Thursday, February 12, 2009

back again

I want to thank everyone who bore with me through the throes of my "existential crisis" starting first and foremost with my husband. It's not exactly a compliment to learn that your spouse has been reevaluating every aspect of their life when you are one of the leading componants. So honey, sorry. I wouldn't trade you or the life we've fashioned together/stumbled upon/ earned thru blood sweat and tears for all the nightlife in NYC. Not in a million years. Just for a few days I forgot one thing. And that thing is gratitude. The cup half full, the miracle that my life ACTUALLY is when I stop and remember, the beauty of the details rather than the broad strokes of life. A spiritual mentor reminds me that our success is not measured by the mountain we climb but the pit we climb out of. And I'd dug myself a pretty deep pit back in the day. Some days I'm still digging.

Because the truth is I have a bevy of amazing, hilarious and good looking friends. I have the most beautiful son on the planet who says funny and entertaining things (that's Venus not Penis!!!) and then hugs me and says "I love you Mommy!" Today he even said, "Mommy, thank you for cleaning my room." Amazing! He attends a wonderful community based preschool that provides for a lot of interesting conversations and opportunities to participate in my son's education.

I have a husband who loves me when I'm wearing sweatpants.

It's easy to complain about living across the street from my mom and turn a blind eye to the baked chickens, raw carrot juice and ginormous emounts of babysitting that most neighbors don't provide.

And when I found out the other day that I didn't get the full time job I'd applied for, I rededicated myself to my book which has been simmering on the back burner for way too long.

In fact, I've begun working on it everyday and I'm beginning to remember who the hell I am and why I bother. Which I'd started to forget in the midst of the grind, the numbers and trying to make all that outside chaos add up. Because out there, the world might never make complete and perfect sense. But here on the inside, it's time to start writing.

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